


(I don't know) what it's like to be you

by justinfinity



Category: Dancing On Ice RPF, Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Cuniliftus, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Getting Over History, Jealous Scott, Jealous Tessa, Jealousy, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Partners to Lovers, Romance, moulin rouge - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-10 11:58:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17425472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinfinity/pseuds/justinfinity
Summary: Scott wrapped both of her hands in his and brought it up to his lips, at first to warm her, but then he kissed them and Tessa felt like her body was lit on fire.“I am,” he said, his lips against her hands, “So god damn stupidly in love with you.”Tessa knew he was drunk and she knew all the reasons why not, but there he was saying the one reason for why it would work so she didn’t stop him when he let her hands drop, cupped her cheek and kissed her.But, for the first time, Tessa and Scott begin to question whether love is enough.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa paused. He wasn’t saying it. He still couldn’t say the fucking word girlfriend. She felt so stupid. She felt so stupid and so angry that it took every fiber of her being not to leave that house. She took a deep breath.  
> “Only until the next best thing comes along.” she whispered.  
> “What?” Scott got up, his hair wild from running his hands through it and his expression bewildered.   
> “You want me and only me as long as there is no one else to want.”

Scott had known Jackie as long as he’d known Tessa. 

This was a fact Tessa was trying not to focus on. The words floated into her head and she pushed them out with the force of her smile, glancing anxiously at Scott and Jackie who were talking in the corner. 

It wasn’t like this had been a surprise. Scott had told her Jackie was going to visit. Tessa was delighted. Jackie was one of the only female friends of Scott who didn’t hate Tessa. They had played together when they were younger. Tessa and Scott took her out to dinner when her then-boyfriend proposed to her. They weren’t best friends, but they were friendly and Jackie had always given the two of them a look that said _I know about you two._

But there she was, in the corner, her wedding ring no longer on her hand that rested on Scott’s arm and Tessa wondered if she ever _did_ know. Maybe those looks were just directed at Scott. Maybe she had always been into Scott. 

Tessa sipped her drink and looked away. She trusted him. 

She looked around the bustling room, at all of Scott’s friends and their friends and wished she hadn’t come. It was _their_ reunion after all, but Scott had insisted, saying she was as much a part of his old friends group as he was. “Plus,” he had said, “This is probably the only place we could actually be how we want to be.” 

He had pecked her lips then, quickly, to then pull back and see her expression. She had shaken her head, “I’ll go, but I don’t want them to know. I know they’re your friends, but we never know who might talk to someone who might talk to someone else and word would get out and—“ 

Scott had kissed her again. He smiled and nodded.

But she shouldn’t have come. Or she maybe it was good that she did, but maybe they _should_ behave the way they do in private. She imagined it for a moment: going over to Scott, putting her arm around him, having him look at her, a little startled, but always aware of her touch, and kissing him. Slowly and with purpose, a surefire way of claiming him, his eyes, his cocky smile, his luscious hair, his delicious body, his kind heart. She smirked at the thought. 

Her eyes snapped back into focus and she realized she had been staring at Jackie and Scott again. Scott caught her eye this time. He was dressed in a black long sleeve shirt and jeans and with one leg bent over the other, glancing at her with the subtle smile reserved for her, it was all she could do not to run to him. His eyes recognized that she was fixated on something, seeing her past the giant smile she always wore around others. He said something to Jackie, but she didn’t hear him and leaned closer. Tessa looked away. 

“Tess?” 

She knew he had been walking towards her, but she didn’t turn around. 

“T, what’s wrong?” his voice whispered in her ear, his lips eerily close to her neck. 

“Nothing, I’m fine,” she finally turned around to face him. Scott’s eyes searched her face then he smiled, “Jackie’s going through a divorce.” 

Tessa hoped he didn’t notice the dip in her smile, “Oh gosh. I saw that she wasn’t wearing her ring, but I hoped she’d just lost it or something.”

Scott shook his head, “No, apparently they’ve been separated for a while. She’s not doing too well.” 

“You should do something for her, take her out or something.” Tessa said, watching Jackie as she scrolled through her phone.

“ _We_ could take her out.” Scott nudged her.

Tessa smiled. “I’m not that close with her.” 

“Well, she’s staying with a friend so I’m sure she’ll be ok.” 

Tessa could sense that he wanted to do something for his friend. That was who Scott was. She thought back to all the times he had been there for her, even when they were both in relationships, how he thrived off of being an unconditional friend. She softened at the thought.

“Babe,” she whispered, “You should take her out. I mean it. I know it would cheer her up and I know you want to do something for her.” 

“I know what you’re doing.” 

“I’m not doing anything, I promise.” Tessa smiled again, but this time genuinely. Why shouldn’t Scott be able to hang out with friends? 

Scott searched her eyes, “Ok, I’ll go ask her when she’s free,” he paused, his eyes darted to her lips, but he shook his head, “I love you.” 

***

I love you was just something they had always said to each other. What made it different now? Sex? Was it only because of the fact that they slept together that Tessa thought she had some sort of claim on Scott? They had never talked about anything, as usual. They had never discussed being exclusive. Were they dating? Were they friends with benefits? 

Tessa was spiraling. 

It was the night Scott took Jackie out and Tessa sat in her living room, with her blanket and a book opened to a page that she had reread fourteen times, never understanding a single word. She realized for the first time since her and Scott became a _thing_ that she had no clue what that _thing_ was. She realized, with what felt like lead pooling into her stomach, that they were doing what they had done before the reunion. And a few years before that. And for the first time when they were teenagers. 

Scott always said he couldn’t define what they were to each other. It was too complex, even out of this world, to be confined in labels. Tessa believed him—and agreed, but she realized that meant she has never been his girlfriend— or his _anything_ , for that matter. She had always been fine, as long as she could go home to him at night, as long as he held her and kissed her and whispered everything she wanted to hear, she had been fine. What a fool. 

Suddenly agitated, she got up and started pacing. She knew she was spiraling, she knew most of her thoughts were irrational, but one thought of every time Scott had left her for the new girl he was chasing when they were younger was enough to convince her that it was the same thing happening now. 

“We worked through this in therapy,” she whispered to herself, “This isn’t who Scott is anymore.” 

She tried repeating that to herself, willing herself to believe it, but she didn’t. She was suddenly so tired of always rationalizing everything Scott had ever done or said to her. She was tired of the way Scott failed to live up to the Scott she knew in her heart. 

She got a glass water and sat back down. Taking a few deep breaths, she tried to think back to the first time Scott kissed her after the Olympics. 

_Scott had texted her at eleven pm, with enough typos in his text for her to know he was drunk, saying he needed to see her. Tessa had agreed, told him to please not drive and sat outside her door in the freezing cold waiting for him. When he got out of the car, wobbling his way over to her, with his coat forgotten and shirt unbuttoned, all she could think of was how much she wanted him. But she took him inside, got him some water and food and they had sat down in silence for a while._

_“I know I’m drunk,” Scott had said after sobering up a bit, “I know.”_

_Tessa had laughed anxiously, “Well that's a relief.”_

_“But everything I am about to tell you is one hundred and twenty percent true.”_

_Tessa gulped._

_“It’s just that my sober dumbass can’t say it out loud.”_

_Tessa took his hand, “Scott, you’re tired, let’s not do this right now.”_

_“I have to, T.” He finally looked at her then, his brown eyes pierced through her. She stayed quiet._

_“I know all the reasons why what I am about to say is wrong and it can’t happen and how we’ve been down this road before, but I was out tonight,” he paused, saw her pursed lips, “Not to get girls or anything, I was out with the guys. And I kept thinking of you, which isn’t weird, I do that all the time, but everything that was said reminded me of you and the ceiling was almost the exact shade of your eyes, but it was missing the tiny specks and all I could think was I should get up there and draw the tiny specks_ dammit _and—“_

_Tessa grabbed his hand and his breath caught. “God, T,” he mumbled._

_He continued, “I will do whatever it takes to keep things right with us. I know things have been good and I know you feel it— it’s still there, this thing that draws me to you, that makes me feel you everywhere even when you’re not around and makes me want to buy a_ god damn _ladder from across the street to get up and draw specks on the roof of a freaking bar that I should have been at with_ you _. I_ know _it’s still there,” he drew a breath and looked up at her. Tessa’s heart was beating out of her chest. Her breathing was quick and unusual and all the blood had been drawn from her body because she was shivering. Scott wrapped both of her hands in his and brought it up to his lips, at first to warm her, but then he kissed them and Tessa felt like her body was lit on fire._

_“I am,” he said, his lips against her hands, “So god damn stupidly in love with you.”_

_Tessa knew he was drunk and she knew all the reasons why not, but there he was saying the one reason for why it would work so she didn’t stop him when he let her hands drop, cupped her face and kissed her. Slowly at first, pulling away to say_ I love you _over and over again, kissing the corner of her lips, her jawline, the nape of her neck until finally his mouth was on hers again and they were both so hungry that Tessa felt like she might lose her damn mind at any minute and he kept saying it, the three fucking words and Tessa finally found it in her to stop him for a moment and pull back. He watched her, his eyes terrified and concerned, knowing every freckle on her face and yet looking at her as if he was seeing her for the first time. Tessa wanted to say all the things he had said, but he had left her so breathless and helpless that all she could muster was_ you’re mine _before Scott was kissing her again and their clothes were flying off everywhere as they rediscovered every inch of each other._

The sound of the door closing pulled Tessa out of her trace. Scott was home. Immediately, remembering everything he had said to her and knowing he was back home to her so soon, she felt calm. She took a deep breath and glanced up as Scott walked in. 

Her heart dropped. 

Scott was pale. His shoulders were slouched and it seemed as if he had to carry his weight to get to her. He mumbled a hello and sat down, never once looking at her.

Tessa felt sick. “Scott? What’s going on?” 

She went to him, pulling his hands up to hold against her chest. 

“Jackie kissed me.” 

Tessa let go. 

“I—didn’t tell her, about us, I mean, because I knew you didn’t want to,” Scott gulped, “So I think she got the wrong idea and I could tell cause she was kinda flirty all night, but that’s why I cut it short and said I was meeting you, hoping she would get the hint, but when I dropped her off she kissed me and I—”

“You didn’t stop her.” 

Scott looked up at her, “I did.” 

“Eventually?” Tessa’s face was stone cold. She prayed he couldn’t hear the lump in her throat.

“No, I did stop her, I was just surprised so it took me a second and then—“

“Scott the next sentence you say better be that you told her about us.”

“What?” 

Tessa watched him. He hadn’t.

“T, I thought you didn’t want to, so I just said I wasn’t interested and—“ 

Tessa laughed. “Oh my god.” 

“What?” Scott frowned, annoyed at her laughter, “What is it?”

“Here I was, thinking I was being stupid,” Tessa chuckled again, but one that was accompanied by a hiccup of tears, “Scott, don’t lie to me. You didn’t tell her you’re seeing anyone and clearly she didn’t just _try_ to kiss you because otherwise you wouldn’t look like death right now.” 

Scott took her hands, “I swear, she did kiss me and yes, I didn’t pull back immediately, and I felt really bad even for those few seconds, but it was only cause I was startled and I didn’t know how to let her down without telling her about us.”

“Then you should have fucking told her!” 

Tessa got up, rubbing the bridge of her nose. 

“Tessa, what are you talking about? I didn’t tell her because of _you_!” 

“Because of me? Was it really, Scott? Or was it because you wouldn’t know how to explain me even if you wanted to?” 

“Explain you? I—“ 

“What are we? What are we even doing? Can you answer that?” Tessa knew she was raising her voice, but she couldn’t help it. 

“Tessa I love—“ 

“Yes you love me, I get it, but _what am I to you?_ What would you have told Jackie?” 

“I would have said we’re together.” 

“Together how? What does that even mean?” 

“Babe, we’ve talked about this, it means I love you and only you and you’re the only person I want to be with.” 

Tessa paused. He wasn’t saying it. He still couldn’t say the fucking word _girlfriend_. She felt so stupid. She felt so stupid and so angry that it took every fiber of her being not to leave that house. She took a deep breath.

“Only until the next best thing comes along.” she whispered.

“What?” Scott got up, his hair wild from running his hands through it and his expression bewildered. 

“You want me and only me as long as there is no one else to want.” 

Scott stared at her. “Where is all of this coming from? Have you lost your mind?” 

“You don’t get to say that!” Tessa burst out, “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be me? Do you have any idea how people see us? I’m the girl, the stupid fucking girl, who has always been by your side. Always stayed because of how in love I was. Waited while you went through relationships and decided when it was time to come back to me again. I’m the idiot who believes you when you say we’re better than labels and I keep us from others not because I give a damn what the press knows, Scott, but because _I’m embarrassed_.” 

The silence that followed her yells were deafening. Scott’s eyes softened, he walked over to her, trying to reach for her, but she pulled away.

“You’re embarrassed of us?” he whispered, his head hanging low.

“Of myself. Of how I let you do this to me. I don’t want people to know we’re together so that I don’t have to tell them when we’re not. I can’t bear another _oh honey, he’ll realize you’re the one_ _someday_ speech from another friend. I can’t bear my parents sympathetic smiles every Christmas when you’ve had a girlfriend and I’ve gone home alone, never even _considering_ taking anyone else. I can’t bear it.” 

Scott sat down. He pressed his hands against his forehead and when he spoke, there was a quiver in his voice that almost broke Tessa, “I am so sorry.” 

“I know.” 

Tessa sat next to him. Scott turned to look at her, his eyes red, “I can’t ever undo what I did and I am so sorry. I’m sorry I always lead you on, even when I wasn’t single. I’m sorry, Tessa,” he paused, “But I’m here now. And I don’t care about Jackie, if you’re worried about that. I’m here and I always will be.” 

Tessa stayed quiet. Scott shifted to put his arm around her waist and cupped one of her cheeks, trying to get her to look at him, “I love you, kiddo, so much.” 

“I know.” 

“I can’t imagine what you go through, when I go and do shit like this. I can’t imagine what our history does to you, to _us_. But you’ve always been my better half. I’ve been screwing up the most amazing thing that has happened to us and you’re the rock that has held it together. Not just us, but our skating, our brand, our sponsors, everything. I am so grateful for that and I am in constant awe of you, but you need to let me prove to you that I can do it with you.” 

Tessa really would have forgiven him. She really would have, had he not mentioned the one other insecurity she had about their relationship: that this was all because of their skating. That Scott fell for her every time because he liked the thrill that the on ice romance brought him, not because of her. 

“You need to go.”

Scott’s hand, which had been grazing her back, froze. He pulled away from her, suddenly feeling dizzy. 

“We’ve tried this before, Scott. We’ve tried to fix these problems through _therapy_ , for crying out loud. But the minute we see Jackie again, the minute you smile at her, the way you do at all girls, I will be in this head space again and I hate it. I hate how weak it makes me feel. I hate how it makes me hate _us._ It puts our careers in jeopardy and frankly,” she paused, steadying her voice, ignoring the killer pain she felt in her chest as she prepared to say the words, “It’s not worth it.” 

And there it was, the words she knew would hurt him the most. Scott’s expression changed almost immediately. His posture became stiff, his jaw clenched and he quickly got up. 

“I mean it, Scott.” Tessa said, her voice held no traces of emotion. Scott watched her, searching her face for a sign that told him she didn’t mean it. He tried to find that part of his brain that knew what Tessa was doing; pushing him away out of fear. He tried to rationalize with the anger, but he was failing. What if she did mean it? What if the small voice in the back of his head that always told him Tessa cared more about their careers than about him was right? He knew she didn’t, deep down, but he couldn’t reach that far with the anger that swelled inside him. He was out the door before either of them could say anything else they would regret. 

Tessa cried herself to sleep that night, and she would have cried herself to sleep for many nights to come, if she hadn’t gone back to the rink for practice two days after to be met with the sight of Jackie and Scott kissing. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on making this only 3 or 4 chapters, but let me know if you guys think/want it to be a longer story. And thank you for reading!  
> ****************************************************************************************************************

The night Scott left Tessa’s, he sat down on her doorstep for what felt like hours. He kept turning around, looking at Tessa’s window, at the light that was still on and wondered if he should go back in. 

_She asked me to leave,_ he thought. 

He felt nauseous the way he did every time Tessa cried, or when she was hurt, or throughout the whole time she was injured or whenever he saw her with someone else. Was this how she always felt around him? It was way worse than any time he had actually been sick. 

Scott kicked a rock in front of him and it rolled forward and hit Tessa’s trashcan. The sound startled him and he quickly hid away from the window, worried that Tessa might come and see him. She didn’t even check. Instead, finally, the light went out and Scott’s heart dropped. She’d gone to bed. 

He couldn’t imagine going to sleep. Or even going home. Not when Tessa wasn’t there, not when Tessa was here, alone and upset and done with him. He couldn’t do anything. 

He thought back to everything she’d said. He knew it was true, but he couldn’t help but feel like she was overreacting. She hadn’t even let him finish explaining what he’d told Jackie. 

_“I— I’m flattered, really, I am Jackie, but—“ he paused, looking away from Jackie’s hopeful eyes, “I’m in love with someone.”_

_“Oh my gosh you have a girlfriend?” Jackie exclaimed, pulling away from him, turning bright red._

_Scott rubbed his temple,“No, no, I don’t, not yet, but, I’m in love with someone I think I’m going to be with forever so I can’t do this to you.”_

_Jackie paused. Slowly, she smiled, “I’ve never seen you like this.”_

_Scott chuckled. She continued, “Is it Tessa? It can only be Tessa.”_

_Scott shook his head, but didn’t say anything. Jackie leaned forward and softly kissed his cheek and then, opening the car door, she glanced back at him, “Make sure you don’t_ want _it to be Tessa before you go get this mystery woman.”_

_With that, she’d thanked him and left._

Scott did want it to be Tessa. It _was_ Tessa. It could never be anyone else. 

But her words echoes in his head: _it’s not worth it_. He wasn’t worth it. Had she said that? Their relationship wasn’t worth their career. Scott had always worried, deep down, where he hid his insecurities and worst fears, that Tessa valued her success more than him. She was always so quick to do what was best for their careers, even if that meant letting fans speculate about the two of them when they weren’t together. If she was comfortable pretending to be with him for the sake of their skating, who was to say that wasn’t all she cared about? 

He shook his head. He hated those thoughts. He hated how they made him forget who Tessa was. _Tess. His Tess._ The woman who had stayed by his side, even when he couldn’t stand himself. The woman who loved him unconditionally, who saved his ass over and over again. The woman who was the reason they were as successful as they were. He owed everything to her and yet, something about the conviction with which she had said that they weren’t worth it went straight to his heart. He’d believed she meant it when she said it. 

Before his thoughts could spiral anymore, his phone buzzed. It was from Jackie, _I think I left my scarf in your car._

Scott quickly started replying, _I can drop it off._

_Right now? It’s past midnight_ , came her response. 

_I don’t mind_. He’d sent it without a second thought. She welcomed it. Scott got up and walking to his car all he kept thinking was _yes. This is what I need_. 

***

They weren’t making out, per se, but Jackie had her arms around Scott’s neck, pushing herself up on her toes, and Scott’s hands looked fixed on her waist. They pulled away quickly, _probably from hearing the door,_ Tessa thought and Jackie locked eyes with her. Tessa smiled. It was the most difficult smile she had ever faked and that was saying something. 

“Hi Tessa!” Jackie exclaimed. Scott, who had bent over to tighten his skates, froze midway. 

“Hi.” Tessa said, willing her eyes to rest anywhere but on Scott, who was slowly turning around to face her, “How’re you guys?”

Scott finally faced her. His chest rose and fell rapidly, but Tessa couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eyes. She felt the lump that was suffocating her throat and she refused to let either of them know of it. 

“Good,” Jackie said, immediately blushing, “I’m sorry, you guys, I won’t get in the way of your practice, I just came by to watch.” 

Tessa smiled tightly, “Of course. Ready, Scott?” 

Scott didn’t say anything. Instead, he got on the ice and skated away. Tessa grit her teeth, but her smile never faltered, “He likes to warm up more than I do.”

Jackie nodded like she understood. The women shared another awkward smile, before Tessa joined Scott on the ice. 

Neither of them spoke and Tessa let Scott lead, to avoid having to look at him. Instead, she watched him from behind as he skated. His back was arched, but his shoulders were slumped forward in tension. He wore a t-shirt he had bought when they were in Pyeongchang with his workout sweats. After making a few rounds around the rink, Scott turned towards her.

“Moulin Rouge?” 

Tessa frowned, “No? Why would we practice—“ 

“Just to warm up.” 

Tessa rolled her eyes, “Maybe for you, Scott, but I am in no shape to do it.” 

“Without the lifts then. Except maybe the first one.” Scott said, looking away from her. 

Tessa shrugged. They found their positions and before Tessa could even begin to mentally prepare herself for having to touch him, the music started. As they circled each other, Tessa could feel the warmth that was radiating off of him. He was giving her that look, the hungry one he reserved for the role of Christian and she felt shivers go up and down her body. Finally, she was in front of him and with her back to him, she jumped. He caught her, his fingers were icy on her legs, but instead of spinning her, with one hand resting flat on her stomach, he dipped her, still in sync to the rhythm of the music and kissed her neck. 

Tessa’s breath hitched, but she knew Jackie was watching and she knew she couldn’t react, so they kept going. The music took them away, Tessa found herself taking on Satin’s role, forgetting about everything that was around them. Scott never lost eye contact with her and his gaze was soft, but ravenous. Once they got to one of her twirls, he slowed her down again and as she turned, he kneeled, dragging his hands slowly down her torso. Tessa let out a whimper and Scott smirked. She kept turning as he got back up, continuing the routine and without a warning to him, she went into a lift. Scott reacted quickly and caught her and with her thighs resting against his cheeks, they locked eyes for a moment. Scott looked bewildered and as he moved her along so she could adjust in his arms while they turned. Tessa kneeled down as she turned and placing her hands on his body to get up, she kissed him below his stomach. 

Scott drew in a breath, “Shit, Tess—“ 

“Not now.” Tessa hissed, continuing. Scott seemed lost, however, and the rest of the routine didn’t have the punch or spark that Tessa desired. Scott’s movements were automated and he wouldn’t look her in the eyes. Tessa wondered if he was embarrassed because his new girlfriend had seen all that and she felt sick at the thought of Jackie. 

Once they were done, Scott held onto her for a moment, their breathing jagged and hoarse. Tessa opened her eyes to see him watching her, a longing in his gaze that made her heart ache The sound of Jackie’s single claps finally broke through and Tessa straightened herself. 

“Tess, we need to talk—“ Scott whispered.

Tessa stared at him. “If you care about me one bit, you will spare me the _I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us and I’m with Jackie now_ speech.” 

Scott huffed, “Just let me explain—“

“Scott,” Tessa pleaded, the strength in her voice was replaced by the sound of the sob that was threatening to escape her, “Please.” 

Scott reached out to her, but without a word, Tessa left the ice and disappeared in the back. 

***

By the time Scott got to Jackie’s place that night, he’d driven himself insane. 

He was pale, his eyes were bloodshot and his shirt was stained with tears. Jackie didn’t ask any questions. She let him in and he crashed on her couch. He stayed there for two days, never saying much except, “I think I might have lost her.” 

Jackie didn’t ask about her scarf, which he hadn’t brought with him. Didn’t ask why he wouldn’t go home. Didn’t ask what he’d done to screw it up with the mystery girl he wanted. She just let him stay. 

On the second day, she woke him up around noon, because his phone lit up with a reminder to go to the rink. 

“What?” He said, rubbing his eyes.

“I think you have practice today,” Jackie responded, trying to stop herself from smiling at his sleepy face, “Your phone.” 

Scott shot up. For the first time in the past two days, Jackie saw him actually care about something. She smiled and left him alone to bring him some coffee. 

When she came back he’d taken off his shirt, “Oh shoot sorry!”

Scott tried to wear his shirt again, but laughed, “Oh it’s ok.” 

Jackie chuckled and stepped closer, placing the coffee on the table. She tried not to stare, but his muscles were contracting as he bent over to pick it up and she wondered what it would feel like to—

“I need to stop by my place to pick up some clothes and my skates,” Scott said, sipping his drink. He paused. “Jackie, I’m really sorry about this.” 

“About what?” She said, sitting down on the couch beside him.

“About crashing here like this. Not explaining anything. I—“ 

“It’s ok.” Jackie smiled, “We’ve been friends since we were babies, Moir, it’s alright. Now, let’s go, we don’t want you to be late.” 

Jackie decided to drive him. After they’d picked up Scott’s things and he’d changed, they headed for the rink. As she drove, Scott felt like his breakfast was making its way back up his throat at the thought of seeing Tessa. What would he even say to her? What would she think when she saw Jackie? 

“Scott,” Jackie interrupted his thoughts, “What happened with the mystery girl that night?” 

Scott sighed. Jackie continued, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but—“

“No, it’s ok,” he said, “I don’t think she wants to be with me.” 

“Ever?” 

Scott almost threw up. “I don’t know.” 

The rest of the ride was quiet. When they got to the rink, Scott was relieved to see that Tessa hadn’t arrived yet. When they walked in, Jackie drew a breath, “I haven’t skated in so long.” 

Scott smiled. 

“Could I skate with you sometime?” Jackie asked. Scott tried to stop the immediate _no_ that threatened to escape his lips. The thought of skating with someone other than Tessa made him feel like death. He could never do it. 

“You should try and get back into it.” He said instead. 

Jackie sat on one of the bleachers as Scott put on his skates. He stood up, dizzy from the small movement because of how lightheaded he felt. Jackie noticed the color drained from his face. 

“Scott.” 

“Hm?” 

“We should give it a go.”

Scott looked up at her, confused. “What are you talking about?” 

Jackie got up, quickly, before she lost her nerve, and stood closely in front of him, “You and me. I—I know what you said, the other night, in the car, but I hate seeing you like this. And you know what I’m going through. The person we want to be with doesn’t want to be with us and I just think,” she broke off, taking his silence as encouragement, and leaned forward, “Don’t we deserve to have each other to comfort? Help each other out to take our mind off things?” 

“Jackie, that wouldn’t be fair to us or the people we’re involved with and—“ 

Jackie broke him off, “I don’t care about fair, Scott. I’m just tired of feeling this way.” 

Scott was too. That, he understood. He watched her, looked at her brown eyes and willed himself to imagine what he would be like, but all the thought was _green, green, green_. He gulped, trying to find the words to tell her, but Jackie smiled at him and leaned forward. 

Why _shouldn’t_ they feel shitty together? She kissed him. 

It felt wrong. It felt wrong and off and so uncomfortable that Scott suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wanted Tessa. He wanted her like he’d never wanted her before. Tessa was right for him. She was wrong when she said he only wanted her as long as there was no one else to want. There were plenty of people. Jackie, for example, who was beautiful and kind and smart and one of the best friends he’d ever had. But she wasn’t Tessa. Suddenly, he felt like he didn’t even care if Tessa cared about their careers more than their relationship. He didn’t care. Whatever mattered most to her was fine with him as long as he could be by her side. 

Overwhelmed, he pulled away quickly, but before he could say anything, Jackie’s eyes looked past him and she exclaimed, “Hi Tessa!” 

Scott’s heart stopped. She’d seen them. 

***

Once Tessa left the rink, Scott went to Jackie. She was beaming at him, still clapping for their performance. 

He drew in a breath. “I’m in.” 


End file.
